Happy Death Day
by Hoxton The Fugitive
Summary: The Medic and Mathew make an unsettling discovery while experimenting on the teleporter, Kabal stops insulting his brother long enough to ask him an embarrassing favor;to help him get a date with the Ex-Commander of The Storm King's Army. And Billy does something terrible.


**_Happy Death Day_**

**_Summary:_**The Medic and Mathew make an unsettling discovery while experimenting on the teleporter, Kabal stops insulting his brother long enough to ask him an embarrassing favor;to help him get a date with the Ex-Commander of The Storm King's Army. And Billy does something terrible.

After a mission with robbing a Storm King Factory,Erron and his crew are flying back to their base.

Erron was stirring the ship with positivity and soon,the communications went off.  
Kabal answered the comms.

"Kabal,it's me you have the briefcase."

"Yeah,sure."Kabal replied.

"And nobody saw you?"

"Well,basically..."

"Kabal,I'm here right now..."

"Uhh...Well..."Kabal was cut off by his own brother.

"Hey,Tempest!We killed everybody and took the briefcase."Erron yelled.

"Not everyone, have left 7 witnesses here...6 actually."

Erron's ship landed on a factory branded as 'Red Bread',Erron's crew came out with the shipment.

"Look,just keep the briefcase safe, a good weekend,Erron."

"Goodbye,Tempest.I'm leaving the ship now."Erron said and turned off the comms.

He entered inside and saw the Medic and a Storm Creature with the teleporter in the table and a bunch of bread.

"Oh hey,what are you go guys workin' on?"Erron asked with his arms crossed.

"Um,listen,we've been experimenting with the teleporter and we made an unsettling discovery."The Storm Creature said and a bread appeared in the teleporter.

"You can teleport bread?Huh?Well that's-"Erron was cut off when the Medic ripped the bread in half.

"UGH!WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

"Tumors."The Medic replied and Billy spits the bread he's eating out.

"You all know what this means right?"

Until,The Kollector grabbed Erron and put him in the table.

"WE CANNOT TELEPORT GOLD ANYMORE!"Kollector yelled,almost ripping Erron's intestines out.

"Woah,woah,easy Kollector,you can teleport gold as much as you goes for all of you,if there's something you wanna do before you...well...died?Now would be the good time."Billy said,which The Kollector released Erron.

"How long before this tumors kill us?"Erron asked,holding his neck.

"Well,let's see:We all use the teleporter,let's say;6 days × 4 years - We're Not Bread...Hmm...Three days...Yes!We all have 3 days to live!"The Medic yelled.

Until Kabal teleported on the room,holding beer and looked at everyone.

"What?"

_-70 Hours Till' Death-_  
"This is a bucket."Erron said,putting a metal bucket on the table.

"Dear God."Billy said.

"There's more."Erron added.

"No."

Erron then looked at Billy.

"It contains the dying wish of every men in ,you collected everyone's wish right?"Erron asked.

"Yeah."

"Good,everyone,initiate Operation:Happy Death Day."

"We have 70 Hours to live;for most men,no time at are not 'most men'.We are Mercenaries| have the make this hours count!  
The clock is ticking,my 's begin."

Erron pulled out a paper on the bucket.

"Our first dying wish is Billy's:he's drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car...and I have something radiating off of me."Erron said.

"Oh,those were stink lines that's why the car hit him...because he smells."Billy smiled.

"Yes,thank is Kabal's and he has drawn me having sexual congress with Captain Celaeno,Captain Celaeno having sexual congress with me."Erron said.

"Next is Tae-Kwon-Crow's:And he has drawn me and Celaeno relaxing Post-Coitus."

"What the fuck?"Kabal asked.

"Next is Kollector's:he has drawn that I am crying and Billy has stink lines coming off of any of you even draw the simplest bit without me and Celaeno?!"Erron asked.

"Classic Billy."Kabal laughed.

"Get out,all of you."Erron said,pulling out a cigarette stick.

"I'll see you all in Hell!"

_-52 Hours Till' Death-_  
Erron Black was in his smoking room,drinking and reading the History of Equestria,but was soon interrupted when someone knocked on the door.

"Go away."

"Heyyy...You got a second,brother?"Kabal said,opening the door.

"Oh, ,go** [Censored] **yourself."Erron cursed.

"Hahahah...that's funny,listen,I..."

Erron then tried to close the door,but Kabal's head was stuck on the door.

"Wait!Brother,I'm wedging my door over here to tell you that I need your help!"

Erron sighed and opened the door,he put another bullet in his Revolver.

"Make it quick."

"Okay,look.I did have another wish,though.I wanna go out on a date with Tempest."Kabal said.

"You?Your terrible with girls."Erron said.

"What?See this?See this?No,I am great with girls,but Brother,you are a ladies man,who is good with the one who smells good,and the one who dosen't smell bad."Kabal said.

"And why is that?"Erron asked,giving him a look.

"I...I...I don't know,okay?"Kabal replied.

"Well then,that's a question we'll have to take to our graves."Erron said,putting whiskey on his glass.

"Okay,look never leaves the are better than me,alright?I need your help."Kabal begged.

Erron sighed.

"I'll help you one condition."

Erron pressed a buttin which a revealed a mic.

"Say that,to everyone."

Kabal gulped.

_-50 Hours Till Death-_  
Erron and Kabal were in the training gym,making sure Kabal knows how to treat girls well.

He prepared a glass of wine,2 bottles,a box of heart-shaped chocolates,a rose,and a bucket of fried chicken.

"Seduce me."

"What?No way man."

"Seduce me."Erron repeated.

"What?Brother,I am no-"

"SEDUCE ME!"Erron cried.

"All right,all right."

Kabal then grabbed the chicken bucket.

"Hey there,good a bucket of-"

Erron then punched him in the face,dropping the chicken bucket.

"I am not one of your sexy strip girls!"

Erron grabbed the training dummy.

"I am a woman,I like my men .You want to become mah lovah?!Earn it!SEDUCE ME!"

Erron said,punching him again.

_-2 Hours Till Death-_  
"You have a dinner with friends at 7 P.M.,what time will you arrive?"Erron asked his brother.

"7,A.M.I gotta check on the the cook be trusted?If not,I gotta kill him,then I replace him with my own later than 4:30"Kabal replied.

Erro then looked impressed.

"Your ready."

"Really?"Kabal asked.

"No!Everything you just said was bullshit and were out of time. Congratulations,you're a failure."Erron said,giving him a glass of whiskey.

Kabal then stood up.

"Oh?I I?"Kabal asked.

"Yes."

"Did I?"Kabal repeated.

"Yes."

"Did I?"

"Kabal,where is this going?"Erron asked.

"Where it's going is,I don't need you.I'll put this date to myself."Kabal said.

"Yourself?"

"Yeah,that's right, don't you take your little failure and move it sideways-Oh,I gotta you,by the way."Kabal said running.

Kabal pressed a button,which set the alarms off.

_-1 Hour Till Death-_  
The Medic and The Storm Creature,whose name is 'Mathew', continued experimenting with bread and the teleporter.

"You ready,Doc?"Mathew asked.

"READY!"The Medic cried.

Mathew threw another bread with tumors on the teleporter,the bread then appeared in front of The Medic.

But the bread has fangs and green tumors within them.

"Oh."

The Bread Monster then bit The Medic's neck.

"AHHHHH!HELP ME!GET THIS THING OFF ME!"The Medic cried as Matthew grabbed a flamethrower and a jar for containment.

_-40 Minutes to Death-_  
Tempest flied her personal aircraft to the Red Bread Factory,because she thinks someone stole the briefcase they were supposed to protect.

"Okay,let's do this."

Tempest then entered the factory only to encounter Kabal on the entrance.

"Hey,Tempest."

"Oh,Hey Kabal ,I have business.I'm here to take the briefcase,nothing else."Tempest said.

"You look-You look-Uh..."

Erron,Kollector,and Billy were watching Kabal and Tempest via CCTV.

"Drunk!"Billy said.

"Shiny!No,Glamourus!"Kollector said.

Back with Kabal and Tempest.

"Tough."

"Yeah,you a minute,there's the ,you son of a-You guys havin'a prom?"Tempest asked.

"Uh,yeah.I mean, ,see the thing is-"

Back with Erron,Billy,and the were still watching Kabal and Tempest.

"Damn it,Kabal."Erron grunted.

Then Mathew and The Medic burst in the CCTV Room.

"Hey,Guys!It's just bread that gets tumors!"Mathew said.

"It's not even tumors it's some kind of self-aware beauty mark that will only spawn on an environment of pure wheat."Medic said and shook the jar.

Then,the Bread Monster grew agressive.

"Oh,it hates me so much!"The Medic said.

"Well,as long as we don't teleport frickin' bread we'll be all fine."Mathew said.

"Question!"Billy said.

"What's your question,brother?"Mathew asked.

"I teleported bread."

"You what?"Mathew asked.

"You told me to."

"How much did you teleport?"Mathew asked.

"I have done nothing but teleport bread for 3 days."Billy replied.

Medic angrily dropped the jar.

"WHERE?!WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SENDING IT?!"The Medic asked,shaking him.

Until a loud shake came above.

Then Tempest looked at Kabal with a angry expression.

"Kabal,I only get one day off,and you just wasted it on, bye Kabal."

"No wait,let's discuss it over dinner."Kabal opens the door and sees a giant bread monster.

"What in the name of Holy Mary Mother of Joseph is that?!"Tempest asked and tried attacking it with her horn.

The Bread Monster then entered the room which started attacking Kabal and Tempest.

"Alright,you little shit,let's do this man to man."Kabal said pulling out his hookswords.

Then the Bread Monster hit Tempest on the wall.

"Tempest,run!"Kabal cried.

Tempest ran as fast as she could,she saw Kollector,Billy,The Medic,Firefly,Tae-Kwon-Crow,Mathew,and Electrocutioner.

"Now,Doctor!"Billy cried.

The Medic released an Übercharge on Billy which made him invincible.

Then Tempest looked at the Payload Bomb and had an idea that sprang out of her head.

Kabal cut one of the Bread Monster's tentacles only to get hit back.

Erron then grabbed his back.

"You're doing pretty well,brother."

"Now go."Erron said,pulling out his Lever Action Rifle and started shooting on the Bread Monster

"Come and get me you wanker!"

Then Kabal ran to Tempest,which she was arming the payload bomb.

"Oh,Commander Tempest.I am so sorry!"Kabal apologized.

"For what?For pressing the only button you weren't supposed to press?"

"Oh wait!Gimme your watch!"Tempest handed out his watch to Tempest.

"You see,there's a reason why I did this.I had a dying wish,you see there is something I wanna do on my final moments.I wanna go-"

Until the Bread Monster grabbed the payload and threw it on the door.

"Guys,get outta here!"Kabal cried as Erron and the others ran out of the room and closed the blast doors.

Then they were thinking how will they survive the blast then Kabal had an idea.

"Tempest,do you trust me?"Kabal asked.

"What?"

"DO YOU TRUST ME?!"

"Yes!"Tempest said.

Both of them jumped inside of the Bread Monster's Mouth.

**_KA-BLOOEY!_**

Tempest and Kabal woke up on the Bread Monster's Stomach.

"Ugh that smells!"Kabal said.

"Woo! .AWESOME!"Tempest cried.

"You're-?You're not mad?"

"Mad?Mad?THAT WAS FUN!We should do it again!"Tempest cried.

"Oh...Too bad I'm gonna die,in a few minutes."

"Wait,what?"

Then,Billy opened the body of the dead Bread Monster.

"Hey Kabal,good news,we are not dying!We are going to live forever!"

Then Medic pushed him away.

"That's not what he meant,I mean we are not filled with tumors!"Medic cried.

Kabal sighed in relief.

"Thank ,wanna go out on a date?"

"Hmm...no..but I can take you to work."

Tempest then opened a list.

"Okay,on Monday,I am supposed to bury another pile of bodies that you guys caused,Tuesday,I am supposed to kill somepony who tried to steal the brief-"

Kabal gulped.

"Oh,it's you..."


End file.
